Category Archives: Movie-Reviews

Eat this you sand of a bitch!

How many ‘bite’ related puns do you think could be in one movie? 2? 3?? You crazy bastard, you have no idea what you’re dealing with here – this is Sand Sharks bitches!

There ain’t no party like a sand shark party “thus” (little Brooke Hogan quote there believe it or not) the ‘bite’ and ‘shark’ puns were in the tens…just like the cast of extras.

The brief rundown: An underwater earthquake cracks open a crater deep beneath  the oceans surface unleashing a prehistoric predator on the sleepy island of White Sands. This all coincides with the mayor’s slimey son Jimmy Green (Corin Nemic) coming back to town to throw a huge beach party in a money making scheme. Blood and awesomeness ensue.

I knew we were on to a good thing with the first sighting of these ‘prehistoric predators’. I’d say the graphics would fall somewhere between Birdemic and Mega Shark on the completely unrealistic scale – exactly what you want in a bad movie.

The second key element that made this movie a winner? It was set during Spring Break. How can you possibly go wrong? Douchers and boobs as far as the eye can see. Well…not exactly. They did elude to their being thousands of kids at this amazing party, however, our count would place the numbers more around the 20s. They just kept coming back to shots of the same people  – the guy in green shorts may have had to get his arms amputated after the amount of bad dancing he was required to do. (If you watch the movie, you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about).

Speaking of amputation, if you’re a fan of body parts being ripped off you won’t be disappointed. Notable occurrences:  when all that was left of a dirt-bike rider was his head in a helmet AND the deputy sheriff left with nothing below the belly button. That lead to one of the best Parker Lewis I’m sorry,  Nemec, moments as he told her to “hang in there” while he attempted to reinsert her intestines – gold.

Sounds like a whole lot of bad crap is going down, but fear not, there is a shark scientist on the case! Oh balls, it’s Brooke Hogan – everyone’s boned. Sandy Powers (Hogan) didn’t even have the foresight to bring binoculars when posted high atop a hill to keep watch on the young party goers. If she couldn’t understand that squinting does not magnify objects I don’t know why anyone would take the scientific shark mumbo-jumbo she spouted out as gospel. I guess it was probably for the same reason the huge town only had a sheriff, deputy sheriff and absolutely no other law enforcement officers AT ALL.

Highlights for me: When the intern throws her friend to the sharks, the crazy-all knowing-popeye-fisherman guy – the fat guy in red shorts running back and forth in and out of frame at least seven times (my heart nearly expoded at that point I was laughing so hard), the super ‘realistic’ shark explosion at the end and this scene…

Bad movie night CONTENDER

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Nilbog! that’s goblin spelt backwards!!!!

Good work kid, now get your man face off my TV screen.

A man-faced kid,  a dead grandfather who keeps showing up, vegetarian goblins and  inappropriate use of a corn cob – Troll 2 has it all…whether you want it or not.

I know the tagline says ‘One was not enough’, but I seriously beg to differ. I dare say one was more than enough, and two was just way, waaaaaaaaay too much. Oh good god, why the hell did I do this to mysef?!

I guess I couldn’t resist the lure of the premise: a town full of vegetarian goblins that need to turn humans into plants in order to eat them. A middle-aged Italian man advocating vegetarianism is more rare than Nick Cage turning out a legitimately good performance, however, writer/director Claudio Fragasso had the message meat is evil popping up throughout the movie. True he may have simply been trying to say we should wipe out the entire human race, but I guess his broken English caused the message to be lost in translation.

One of my favourite facts about Troll 2 is that apparently the whole cast auditioned hoping to be extras and all ended up in lead roles. As a result, the movie showcases some of the ALL TIME WORST acting I have ever seen (and when I say that, please keep in mind that I have watched such films as The Room and Birdemic). The cast deliver their lines as though they have just undergone a lobotomy in a very dark back alley.

If you’re into green slime dripping from peoples orifaces – this movie is for you.

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You ate my bird!

If, in an attempt to cure a disease, you had to enlarge an animals brain (making them bigger, smarter, faster and meaner) wouldn’t you choose something innocent and weak like a little hamster? Surely you wouldn’t choose something that could already tear humans to shreds? Am I right?? Of course I am, and that’s why your movie would blow and this movie is amazing.

To be honest, I felt quite ripped off at the beginning of Deep Blue Sea when a group of good-looking young people managed to walk away from a shark encounter with no serious injuries at all. They were dumb, drunk and horny – all the traits that would generally see them killed off immediately. When no blood was shed I got a little worried that this wasn’t the kind of movie I thought it was. Luckily, that early analysis was so very, very wrong. It was exactly the kind of movie I thought it was….and so much more.

Basic plot – a couple of scientists are trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease by enlarging the brains of sharks (of course!). The movie is set in the isolated research facility that houses these brainiac sharks…and a few puny humans. During the super important test they have all been waiting to conduct, a shark wakes up from his snooze (probably a little pissed that someone has been jabbing needles into his head) bites off a dudes arm and shit gets real.

The character’s involved are Dr Susan McCallister – main scientist who is immediately annoying, her lab partner – old one arm, his wife/girlfriend – not really of any value, a nerdy guy – he knows a lot about the structure of the building, a hero – brooding and generally doing tough stuff, LL Cool J – wise-crackin’ jesus lover…oh and for some reason Samuel L. Jackson is there.

About an hour in,the facility goes up in a massive explosion, there is a huge storm/cyclone, sharks are partying, all the characters are thrown around the place and it seems as though it’s all over, but it has only just begun.

I was so sure LL Cool J’s character, Preacher, was a goner. He was a wise-crackin, African American who talked about Jesus, surely he’d be one of the first killed off – it’s textbook! Well clearly the writers of Deep Blue Sea skipped class as LL managed to kick some shark ass! Good old Samuel L. Jackson, however, suffered a very different, and thus awesome, fate. I nearly cried tears of joy as a shark tore his ass up mid speech. I think the super intelligent shark realised Sammy’s character was bringing nothing to the table and decided to rid us of his pointlessness. I appreciated this.

My eyeholes highly enjoyed the crappy shark animation and the fact that pretty much everyone gets killed. So much blood! I think my favourite part is that the love connection going on between hero and the annoying scientist chick doesn’t come to fruition. I have the sharks to thank for that yet again. Good work guys.

A bad movie night CONTENDER.

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Hey, those people on that bus are being attacked by those birds.

There are some films that enlighten you, they broaden your mind and fill you with hope. Then there are films that take a part of your soul, your brain and your will to live. Birdemic is the latter.

Imagine the worst student film you have ever seen. Now imagine that film has been remade by a monkey, with a severe learning disability…who is also legally blind and deaf. That will give you some sense of the level of quality Birdemic offers.

Now if you’re the kind of person who decides to watch a film titled Birdemic, chances are you are probably going to want to see a lot of serious bird action as soon as possible. Well you are out of luck. 10 minutes in – no birds. 20 minutes in – no birds. 30 minutes in – no birds. You can’t help but ask yourself, “how many times do I need to watch this guy drive his car before a bird comes smashing through the windscreen? How many bad dates do I need to witness before someone’s eye gets ripped out??”

The answer is, loads.

46 minutes in – back to back…to back…to back, shots of lovely calm scenery – still no birds. Just as you think you are going to be feasting your eyes on yet another quiet street or horse stable BAM! Like an unimpressive punch in the face there they are – birds. It doesn’t start with just one though, no way, build ups are for shmucks! We’re straight into a whole flock of badly animated birds and equally as ill-created explosions. How do birds explode? Well if you have to ask, Birdemic is not for you.

It’s not all unexplained bird explosions though, about an hour in the soundtrack gets a little emotional and shit gets real. An important message about global warming and its impact on birds is delivered by some shady bird expert hanging out on the beach. He explains that birds are not the ones hurting them, oh no, humans are the ones that are killing life and earth itself. “We must act more like astronauts”..(???) This is followed up about 15 minutes later with a speech from a weird guy living in the forest who tells us he isn’t afraid of the birds, but of global warming.

They say all publicity is good publicity, but I’m sure Mother Nature wouldn’t want Birdemic on it’s side.

I can’t end this without mentioning the audio. Oh lord, the audio! The sound levels go up and down like a crack addict just starting rehab. There is no continuity in the background noise at all…ever. It chops and changes as the camera cuts from one character to the next. If that doesn’t drive you complete mental, the dialogue certainly will. Basically, Birdemic will make you want to gouge your eyes out and cut off your ears.

Not good bad, just bad bad.

A bad movie night NO GO.

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Oops. Air ball.

You know I was just thinking, there aren’t enough basketball related puns in movies. If you are feeling that same void, hold on to your f’ing hat and get your ear holes ready for Double Team.

Double Team posterThough the title may have the makings of an unimaginative porn flick, it is way, WAY better than that. Round-house kicker extraordinaire Jean-Claude Van Damme (JCVD to his friends) teams up with a semi-pre-plastic surgery Mickey Rourke and 90’s NBA wild child Dennis Rodman in this action extravaganza.

Much along the same line of thinking as Wiseau with his sex scenes, Double Team doesn’t make you wait long for explosions…of another kind. We’re talking grenades, guns and a whole heap of other crazy crap in the opening few minutes. But don’t think the geniuses behind this movie have prematurely shot their wad, oh lord no. If you enjoy seeing cool guys walk away from explosions in addition to people getting thrown across large distances by explosions then you are in luck as this happens THE WHOLE WAY through the movie. Seriously, so many explosions.

However, explosions are not the only thing this movie has in spades, next up is people being smashed through glass. Windows, doors, tables – you name it, they’ll smash through it.

Explosions, people smashed through glass, Double Team is a film of subtleties which rings true when it comes to it’s product placement. I know if a building I am in ever explodes due to a land mine going off, the first thing I’m going to do is run behind a coke vending machine. Man those things are durable.

Then there are of course the puns. Oh my, so very many basketball puns. Were they afraid we may forget Rodman was a basketball player and mistake him for a legitimate actor? I’m glad nobody made the powers-that-be aware that there was absolutely no risk of that happening, as I may have gone my whole life without hearing such things as “Offence gets the glory…but defence wins the game”

Special mention should also be given to the montage depicting JCVD’s extensive leg workout in his makeshift gym.

A bad movie night CONTENDER.

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Oh, hai Mark!

Are you sick of well scripted dialogue? Had enough of plots being introduced and then followed through? Sick and tired of waiting 20, 30 or even 40 minutes into a movie before the first sex scene?! Well then my friend, step away from this interweb technology receptacle and get your hands on a copy of The Room.

Actor/writer/director/alleged vampire, Tommy Wiseau, takes us on a journey of love, lust, casually dismissed terminal illness, football throwing and unexplained tuxedo’s. I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t those precisely the things that make up an Oscar winning movie?” Not quite. Though they do result in the best worst movie ever.

With all the charm and aesthetic appeal of an 80 year old’s scrotum possessed by Count Dracula, Wiseau was well aware movie going audiences would be hankering for him to appear in countless sex scenes right from the get go. He doesn’t disappoint. His character, Johnny, takes it to the bedroom just a few minutes into the movie with the first of many awkward sexual encounters. As you wonder if Johnny skipped sex ed class the day they explained a women’s lady bits are not in her belly button, you can’t help but get caught up in the sensuality of the sweet R&B soundtrack.

Though completely cringe-worthy and countless in number, sex scenes are not all The Room has to offer. While the film centres on a love triangle formed by Johnny, Lisa and Johnny’s best friend Mark, there are also several subplots that come into the mix. This brings me to one of my favourite features of the movie – plots get introduced and are then left to dangle in the air for all eternity.

Early in the movie Johnny’s love interest, Lisa, has a conversation with her mother in which she reveals to Lisa, all too casually, that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She may as well have said she heading to the shops to buy some Tena lady pads, as this revelation of terminal illness was met with zero reaction and never spoken of again. Brilliant. Another scene that certainly ignites many a question is one in which Johnny and his friends are playing catch with a football in an ally…in tuxedos. Why are they in tuxedos? Where have they come from? Where are they going? A lesser film would explain such things, but not The Room.

It’s not all about crazy mystery plots – good god no! The Room has so much more to offer, such as hit and miss cinematography. Will a scene be in focus or won’t it? This feature keeps audiences guessing right throughout the film.

Constant establishing shots to show that the setting is in San Fransisico despite the majority of the film being shot in the same two rooms, a creepy college kid with no grasp of social norms who Johnny supports financially for some reason or another, random characters that appear part way through the film to have sex on Johnny’s couch, framed pictures of spoons, brillant conversation segways “anyway, how’s your sex life?”, a lead actor who speaks and looks like he is direct from a cartoon depiction of Transylvania – The Room has something for everyone.

A bad movie night MUST SEE!

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