How many ‘bite’ related puns do you think could be in one movie? 2? 3?? You crazy bastard, you have no idea what you’re dealing with here – this is Sand Sharks bitches!
There ain’t no party like a sand shark party “thus” (little Brooke Hogan quote there believe it or not) the ‘bite’ and ‘shark’ puns were in the tens…just like the cast of extras.
The brief rundown: An underwater earthquake cracks open a crater deep beneath the oceans surface unleashing a prehistoric predator on the sleepy island of White Sands. This all coincides with the mayor’s slimey son Jimmy Green (Corin Nemic) coming back to town to throw a huge beach party in a money making scheme. Blood and awesomeness ensue.
I knew we were on to a good thing with the first sighting of these ‘prehistoric predators’. I’d say the graphics would fall somewhere between Birdemic and Mega Shark on the completely unrealistic scale – exactly what you want in a bad movie.
The second key element that made this movie a winner? It was set during Spring Break. How can you possibly go wrong? Douchers and boobs as far as the eye can see. Well…not exactly. They did elude to their being thousands of kids at this amazing party, however, our count would place the numbers more around the 20s. They just kept coming back to shots of the same people – the guy in green shorts may have had to get his arms amputated after the amount of bad dancing he was required to do. (If you watch the movie, you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about).
Speaking of amputation, if you’re a fan of body parts being ripped off you won’t be disappointed. Notable occurrences: when all that was left of a dirt-bike rider was his head in a helmet AND the deputy sheriff left with nothing below the belly button. That lead to one of the best
Parker Lewis I’m sorry, Nemec, moments as he told her to “hang in there” while he attempted to reinsert her intestines – gold.
Sounds like a whole lot of bad crap is going down, but fear not, there is a shark scientist on the case! Oh balls, it’s Brooke Hogan – everyone’s boned. Sandy Powers (Hogan) didn’t even have the foresight to bring binoculars when posted high atop a hill to keep watch on the young party goers. If she couldn’t understand that squinting does not magnify objects I don’t know why anyone would take the scientific shark mumbo-jumbo she spouted out as gospel. I guess it was probably for the same reason the huge town only had a sheriff, deputy sheriff and absolutely no other law enforcement officers AT ALL.
Highlights for me: When the intern throws her friend to the sharks, the crazy-all knowing-popeye-fisherman guy – the fat guy in red shorts running back and forth in and out of frame at least seven times (my heart nearly expoded at that point I was laughing so hard), the super ‘realistic’ shark explosion at the end and this scene…
Bad movie night CONTENDER