Category Archives: Bad Movies

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With it’s unnecessary (and let’s face it, embarrassing*) use in The Expendables 2 not enough to satisfy those thirsting for catchphrases well passed their use by dates, Hollywood has found another excuse for Schwarzenegger to speak those words as tired as his leather pants – “I’ll be back”.

Arnie has reportedly signed on for Terminator 5 and 6.

Why?

In my opinion, the Terminator franchise should have ended at the second instalment  It was brilliant. It featured Edward Furlong before all the Heroin, alcohol and restraining orders. PLUS, sweet CGI for the shapeshifting T-1000. What more can you ask for?

But of course, Hollywood isn’t one to let things end in a dignified way. No, they like to flog a good a idea until it is virtually unrecognisable.

Blarg.

*Please note, I actually did enjoy Expendables 2 for being so ridiculously cheesy.

T-800 on a pension

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Jumanji Remake – seriously?

Yep, it’s happening.

I don’t know how many more anti-remake posts I can dish out. I feel I am about one away from crawling into the foetal position, while wearing a helmet fashioned out of tin foil, screaming at the hundreds of cats that have accumulated around me like magnets to the crazy.

But I’m not insane…right? Surely someone out there somewhere has an original idea.

Someone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

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Expendables 2

Now with added Norris!

Van Damme, Stallone AND Schwarzenegger  together again – prepare yourself for a whole lot of unintelligible dialogue. Though I doubt  that will be an issue as I’m sure the powerhouse team behind this genius see the storyline as a mere formality to break up the craploads of explosions.

 Don’t get me wrong, I love action movies – the more ridiculous the better. That being said, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Expendables. Perhaps I like my action heros to have the space to shine on their own rather than squeeze their bulging biceps into the same scene. Not only that, but if the witty one liners have to be shared across that many leading men the quality is sure to go down – and really, how much lower can we go?

I’m not going to BS you, I will be going to see Expendables 2, if for nothing else other than the promise of a completely unnecessary amount of knifings

In Australian cinemas August 30.

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I’m not entirely sure I’d buy that for a dollar.

Robocop remake – it’s happening.

Continuing Hollywood’s firm “If someone has already made a movie, let’s not waste time coming up with something original” stance, MGM will be rehashing the 1987 classic Robocop.

Even though the addition of Samuel L. Jackson with his unnecessarily loud dialogue delivery and extensive f-bomb use generally brings forth amusement, I still don’t feel comfortable about this happening. Joel Kinnaman will take on the title role, Gary Oldman will play Norton (the genius behind the techonology) and aussie Abbie Cornish has been cast as Mrs Robocop. Hugh Laurie is also in talks to join the cast as one of the film’s main villains. Again, Hugh is good value, but does that really make this OK?

Apparently José Padilha’s (the genius behind this re-imagining) is a massive fan of the original (I should bloody hope so) “…everybody that’s involved in this movie loved the original and we have a lot of respect for it. We’re going to have a lot of throwbacks and there’s going to be a lot of fun stuff for the fans of the first movie. It’s a new story within the old one.”

Hmm…we’ll see.

Meanwhile: let’s enjoy some of Samuel L’s best work

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Remember ‘Lazy Sunday’?

I do, that was a good time – but then this happened…

My beloved Andy Samberg has not done much to induce copious amounts of laughter, or even a somewhat hearty chuckle of late. While I can forgive his slow decline on SNL, starring in a post Wedding Singer Adam Sandler film  is unforgivable.

Here’s the gist of the movie: While still in his teens, Donny (Adam Sandler) fathered a son, Todd (Andy Samberg), and raised him as a single parent up until Todd’s 18th birthday. Now, after not seeing each other for years, Todd’s world comes crashing down.

Add to that (most likely) a 60/40 spilt of Adam Sandler stupid voice/Adam Sandler  yelling and you have yourself a classic Sandler bomb. I guess we can at least find solace in the fact that he is not dressing in drag…well not that I’m aware of.

Let us take a moment to remember quality Samberg:

Ever wished Matthew McConaughey would keep his shirt on?

Well your shit out of luck.

McConaughey’s aversion to any form of fabric covering his chesticals is alive and well in what will no doubt be a hard-hitting piece…about an old stripper…teaching a young stripper… how to party….and pick up women.

Wow.

C. Tate and M. Mac better take a break from oiling up their bods to clear some room for all the Oscars.

Seriously though – why is this happening? Is this really the best hollywood has to offer? Really??? I feel like I am falling into a dark abyss from which I will never escape. Will the sun ever shine again??

Aaaw shiiiiit….motivational McConaughey knows how to make everything allllright.

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Twins sequel

No I did not just suffer from a major  brain haemorrhage.

This is happening.

A twins sequel….Triplets!

Hold on to your f-ing hats though, the mere fact that Hollywood is once again struggling to form any semblance of an original idea and simply rehashing one they had 20+ years ago is not the worst part. The worst part will materialise in the form of Eddie Murphy. Oh yes,  he is the third guy in this triplet scenario.

Balls.

Upon first coming across this piece of ridiculous news I was sure it was some kind of a joke…it still may be, however, the word on the interwebs is this is actually going to happen. Universal studios is going to reunite Arnie, DeVito and throw in Eddie Murphy for good measure. If Universal Studios is truly considering green-lighting this, it wouldn’t surprise me if they had Eddie Murphy playing all three parts in some over the top and completely unrealistic prosthetics – fingers crossed.

I have so many questions: 1. Why?! 2. How could Ivan Reitman (genius) attach his name to this and 3. If, in the first film, all the smart and strong genes went into baby Arnie and the all the crud leftover went into baby DeVito, what the hell created baby Murphy? Very much looking forward to that ridiculous scientific explanation.

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Dance can be deadly…

Been hoping and wishing someone would make a movie based on the arcade game Dance Dance Revolution? Me neither, but it’s happened.

The FP follows two rival gangs as they fight for control of Frazier Park – a deadly arena in competitive dance-fight video game Beat-Beat Revolution. Yes you read correctly “dance-fight” video game. Could this be anything other than pure genius? Of course it could, but I’m going to watch it anyway.

Besides if the real Dance Dance revolution has any impact on the soundtrack – it will be amazing.

Eat this you sand of a bitch!

How many ‘bite’ related puns do you think could be in one movie? 2? 3?? You crazy bastard, you have no idea what you’re dealing with here – this is Sand Sharks bitches!

There ain’t no party like a sand shark party “thus” (little Brooke Hogan quote there believe it or not) the ‘bite’ and ‘shark’ puns were in the tens…just like the cast of extras.

The brief rundown: An underwater earthquake cracks open a crater deep beneath  the oceans surface unleashing a prehistoric predator on the sleepy island of White Sands. This all coincides with the mayor’s slimey son Jimmy Green (Corin Nemic) coming back to town to throw a huge beach party in a money making scheme. Blood and awesomeness ensue.

I knew we were on to a good thing with the first sighting of these ‘prehistoric predators’. I’d say the graphics would fall somewhere between Birdemic and Mega Shark on the completely unrealistic scale – exactly what you want in a bad movie.

The second key element that made this movie a winner? It was set during Spring Break. How can you possibly go wrong? Douchers and boobs as far as the eye can see. Well…not exactly. They did elude to their being thousands of kids at this amazing party, however, our count would place the numbers more around the 20s. They just kept coming back to shots of the same people  – the guy in green shorts may have had to get his arms amputated after the amount of bad dancing he was required to do. (If you watch the movie, you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about).

Speaking of amputation, if you’re a fan of body parts being ripped off you won’t be disappointed. Notable occurrences:  when all that was left of a dirt-bike rider was his head in a helmet AND the deputy sheriff left with nothing below the belly button. That lead to one of the best Parker Lewis I’m sorry,  Nemec, moments as he told her to “hang in there” while he attempted to reinsert her intestines – gold.

Sounds like a whole lot of bad crap is going down, but fear not, there is a shark scientist on the case! Oh balls, it’s Brooke Hogan – everyone’s boned. Sandy Powers (Hogan) didn’t even have the foresight to bring binoculars when posted high atop a hill to keep watch on the young party goers. If she couldn’t understand that squinting does not magnify objects I don’t know why anyone would take the scientific shark mumbo-jumbo she spouted out as gospel. I guess it was probably for the same reason the huge town only had a sheriff, deputy sheriff and absolutely no other law enforcement officers AT ALL.

Highlights for me: When the intern throws her friend to the sharks, the crazy-all knowing-popeye-fisherman guy – the fat guy in red shorts running back and forth in and out of frame at least seven times (my heart nearly expoded at that point I was laughing so hard), the super ‘realistic’ shark explosion at the end and this scene…

Bad movie night CONTENDER

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Who wants regular legs when you could have shotguns?

I just caught a glimpse at the trailer for Piranha 3DD (it’s pronounced Piranha 3 double D) the extra D is for extra big boobs…so that should give you an adequate indication of where this movie sits on the quality scale.

At first glance it looks like just your run-of-the-mill-chicks-in-bikinis-getting-attacked-in-the-vagina-by-piranhas flick…

…and it is.

But it also offers much, much more than that: Christopher Lloyd as a marine biologist, a cheesy cameo by David Hasselhoff (in full Baywatch attire), Ving Rhames with shotguns for legs and Gary Busey biting a piranha’s head off.

Will I be watching it? Yes, yes I will.

Watch the official Piranha 3DD trailer here!


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