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With it’s unnecessary (and let’s face it, embarrassing*) use in The Expendables 2 not enough to satisfy those thirsting for catchphrases well passed their use by dates, Hollywood has found another excuse for Schwarzenegger to speak those words as tired as his leather pants – “I’ll be back”.

Arnie has reportedly signed on for Terminator 5 and 6.

Why?

In my opinion, the Terminator franchise should have ended at the second instalment  It was brilliant. It featured Edward Furlong before all the Heroin, alcohol and restraining orders. PLUS, sweet CGI for the shapeshifting T-1000. What more can you ask for?

But of course, Hollywood isn’t one to let things end in a dignified way. No, they like to flog a good a idea until it is virtually unrecognisable.

Blarg.

*Please note, I actually did enjoy Expendables 2 for being so ridiculously cheesy.

T-800 on a pension

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Jumanji Remake – seriously?

Yep, it’s happening.

I don’t know how many more anti-remake posts I can dish out. I feel I am about one away from crawling into the foetal position, while wearing a helmet fashioned out of tin foil, screaming at the hundreds of cats that have accumulated around me like magnets to the crazy.

But I’m not insane…right? Surely someone out there somewhere has an original idea.

Someone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

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If you liked Between Two Ferns

You are going to love Comedy Bang! Bang!

Scott Aukerman (the producer/director/genius behind the brilliantly awkward web series Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis) hosts this hilarious (also awkward) and consistently bizarre 30 minute talk show.

Aukerman’s offbeat questions (and guests) are complimented perfectly by band leader beatboxer/ musician/ comedian Reggie Watts, who improvises sweet beats and lyrics while rocking an amazing ‘fro.

Guests include Zach Galifianakis, Amy Poehler, Jon Hamm and Seth Rogan with ridiculous characters like Danny Mahony “the life of the party” and my personal favourite El Chupacabra played by the hilarious Nick Kroll (his slogan for The View had me gasping for air – brilliant). There are also cameos by Andy Richter, Will Arnett and loads more.

I need more of this show immediately.

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Expendables 2

Now with added Norris!

Van Damme, Stallone AND Schwarzenegger  together again – prepare yourself for a whole lot of unintelligible dialogue. Though I doubt  that will be an issue as I’m sure the powerhouse team behind this genius see the storyline as a mere formality to break up the craploads of explosions.

 Don’t get me wrong, I love action movies – the more ridiculous the better. That being said, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Expendables. Perhaps I like my action heros to have the space to shine on their own rather than squeeze their bulging biceps into the same scene. Not only that, but if the witty one liners have to be shared across that many leading men the quality is sure to go down – and really, how much lower can we go?

I’m not going to BS you, I will be going to see Expendables 2, if for nothing else other than the promise of a completely unnecessary amount of knifings

In Australian cinemas August 30.

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The Origin of Celebrities

The second entrant into my Origin of Species Celebrities exhibit is the one and only Bjork.

 It would have been easy to align her with a water dweling feathered creature as a  result of her 2001 Oscars outfit, however, while watching her Big Time Sensuality video (during a sweet 90’s special) there was one clear animal connection I couldn’t ignore.

Bjork/Cera (Land Before Time)

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Dags unite!

Last night the first episode of Myf Warhurst’s six part series Nice aired on ABC1 – I liked it.

A factual series where Myf delves into some of her favourite things, Nice is a little bit daggy and at this point in my life, I find that refreshing.

Last night’s episode showcased the genuine affection between herself and former Spicks and Specks team leader Alan Brough, as he confessed that her love of Wa Wa Nee and all things tacky have made her the person she is, and for that he would kiss them all on the lips – very sweet.

In her journey to discover more about the love duet, Myf spoke to the man behind the mic – Love Songs and Dedications Richard Mercer. I thought I would finally get to see the face and the lips that spout out the romantic drivel that has amused me so year after year, but alas – he remains an enigma. (Though his soft, blonde locks fashioned into a  mullet have now left me with an image I won’t soon forget).

As Myf’s eyes welled up while living out a dream singing Islands In The Stream with the one and only Kenny Rodgers, it was impossible to find her anything but endearing.

It’s not trying to be anything over the top, it’s just nice.

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I’m not entirely sure I’d buy that for a dollar.

Robocop remake – it’s happening.

Continuing Hollywood’s firm “If someone has already made a movie, let’s not waste time coming up with something original” stance, MGM will be rehashing the 1987 classic Robocop.

Even though the addition of Samuel L. Jackson with his unnecessarily loud dialogue delivery and extensive f-bomb use generally brings forth amusement, I still don’t feel comfortable about this happening. Joel Kinnaman will take on the title role, Gary Oldman will play Norton (the genius behind the techonology) and aussie Abbie Cornish has been cast as Mrs Robocop. Hugh Laurie is also in talks to join the cast as one of the film’s main villains. Again, Hugh is good value, but does that really make this OK?

Apparently José Padilha’s (the genius behind this re-imagining) is a massive fan of the original (I should bloody hope so) “…everybody that’s involved in this movie loved the original and we have a lot of respect for it. We’re going to have a lot of throwbacks and there’s going to be a lot of fun stuff for the fans of the first movie. It’s a new story within the old one.”

Hmm…we’ll see.

Meanwhile: let’s enjoy some of Samuel L’s best work

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Remember ‘Lazy Sunday’?

I do, that was a good time – but then this happened…

My beloved Andy Samberg has not done much to induce copious amounts of laughter, or even a somewhat hearty chuckle of late. While I can forgive his slow decline on SNL, starring in a post Wedding Singer Adam Sandler film  is unforgivable.

Here’s the gist of the movie: While still in his teens, Donny (Adam Sandler) fathered a son, Todd (Andy Samberg), and raised him as a single parent up until Todd’s 18th birthday. Now, after not seeing each other for years, Todd’s world comes crashing down.

Add to that (most likely) a 60/40 spilt of Adam Sandler stupid voice/Adam Sandler  yelling and you have yourself a classic Sandler bomb. I guess we can at least find solace in the fact that he is not dressing in drag…well not that I’m aware of.

Let us take a moment to remember quality Samberg:

Ever wished Matthew McConaughey would keep his shirt on?

Well your shit out of luck.

McConaughey’s aversion to any form of fabric covering his chesticals is alive and well in what will no doubt be a hard-hitting piece…about an old stripper…teaching a young stripper… how to party….and pick up women.

Wow.

C. Tate and M. Mac better take a break from oiling up their bods to clear some room for all the Oscars.

Seriously though – why is this happening? Is this really the best hollywood has to offer? Really??? I feel like I am falling into a dark abyss from which I will never escape. Will the sun ever shine again??

Aaaw shiiiiit….motivational McConaughey knows how to make everything allllright.

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The darkest timeline

As I’m sure you all know by now, Dan Harmon was fired as showrunner for Community – which basically means the end of the world as we know it. Actually it’s worse than that. I’d take the plagues of locusts, floods and Dementors (or whatever mythical creatures that Jesus related fairytale says is in store for us) over Community going mainstream with a laugh-track and 2 Broke Girls style ‘jokes’.

I woke up to the news of the NBC exec’s brain haemorrhage (only logical explanation) on my birthday a week ago and needed to take some time to gather my thoughts and formulate them in just the right way before sharing them with the world (or more accurately, the 2 people that accidentally stumble across this blog). To put it in the simplest of terms – it sucks mega balls.

On what planet is firing the creative genius behind the show a good idea? I’ll tell you. On planet bullshit, in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks!

Yes there will be another season of Community which is great news, but what the hell is Greendale going to be like without Dan? Community fans all over the world have flooded the internet to show their outrage at NBC and total support for Dan with gifs, images and other internerd related things. This one, made me both laugh and shudder in fear.

#sixseasonsandwelovedanharmon

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